are hanging on me. I’m not a worrier, but I’ve not been able to let go of certain things this week. I can honestly say I’m glad this week is over. The one bright spot of my day was making a pit stop this morn at Panera… and I actually ventured and tried something new. They’ve got this cinnamon crunchy bagel and I topped it with the honey walnut cream cheese… holy crap was that good.
Looking forward to some down time this weekend… reconnection with the family… some mindless movie watching and maybe a beer or two.
This weekend was a mad crazy rush to get things done. We had the 10k to get to, a house to clean up, and friends to entertain and hang out with. With a big sigh of relief we accomplished all and had a lazy Sunday to help recover from all the running around.
The wife was this year’s 10k participant. I did it last year and had a pretty good showing, but my knee surgery kept me out of this year’s race. Not only did she do it, but she kicked some serious butt. I am so proud of her. She’s a bit like me… ultra competitive and driven. I know she wasn’t exactly where she wanted to be in her running regimen, but she did awesome. It inspired me to get off my butt and back in the gym, and I am officially dropping my name in the hat for next year’s race.
After the wife was done running, we had a good time cheering people on, and even saw some of our friends finishing the race. It was fun cheering other people on, and giving them that extra little push towards the end.
After all that, we headed to Fuddruckers for a post race burger, then headed home to clean up the house. It was a mad dash to get everything ready, but once everything was done, we had a great time hanging out with our friends. Food, beer, fun… it ended up being a great day.
It’s been fifty-two days since I had my knee surgery and I’m still limping along on my crutches. Aside from the inconvenience of not being able to hold anything and being really slow, it has not been the end of the world for me. (Don’t question the wife about this… you might get a totally different answer.)
I generally feel like I’m in the way of everybody. I was in Georgetown over the weekend, and after walking about five blocks to the stores we wanted to get to, I was pretty tired and specially slow. Most people were kind enough, but about half the people that had a chance to wait for two seconds for me to get out of the way or just let me through ended up making me shuffle out of their way. Oh, well. I guess I can attribute it to the holidays or whatever, but I hope that I have never made someone with a disability feel that way.
But on to bigger and better thoughts… I think I might be getting close to walking without the crutches soon. At least that’s what I keep telling myself and the wife. I’m pretty sure I might have used up all of my “Baby, can you get me…” She has been insanely patient with me, so hopefully I’ll be up on my feet soon and getting up to get whatever my sweet girl wants.
There’s a dull ache hanging over our house, very much like a headache that’s about to set in. I can feel it, right in my head. I can feel it starting to sharpen, and I know it will be getting worse before it gets any better.
My mother has unexpectedly dropped into our lives again. It has been a long, long time since I had heard her voice. This was not my choice. I believed I had given her every opportunity to do the right thing. By doing that, I sacrificed myself and my wife. I gave up parts of ourselves that were whole and good, and that resulted in lots of pain and heartache. I was wrong to do that, and I was wrong to give so much up for someone who was abusive.
With one call, thoughts and emotions that I have not dealt with in such a long time pounded me. I felt like I was five years old again, running to my mom after I had been scolded, looking only for her acceptance. I do not want to feel like this. I do not want her to have the control over me she has had for much of my life. I want to protect my family.
I’m not sure where to go from here. I always knew this day was going to come. I just figured I would be the one trying to make reach out to her. My mode of dealing with things is denial. If I pretend things don’t happen then they can’t hurt me. This is so in my face that there is no way to ignore it.
We had a brief break in the process when we took the kids out to see Santa and got home and watched a stupid movie. It was a good break, we had a good time, but through it all, I could feel that dull ache working it’s way through my head.
Tell me that you’ll wait for me
Hold me like you’ll never let me go
Cause I’m leaving on a jet plane
I don’t know when I’ll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go – Jefferson Airplane
I really, really, *really* don’t like flying, and the thought of spending five days away in below
freezing temperatures at a computer conference add up to one big zero for me.
I especially don’t like the flying part.
Oh, well… I’ll be home soon enough.
Did I mention that I don’t like flying…